Saturday, December 10, 2016

A Mother's Christmas Worries

Thinking through the presents we have yet to wrap and worrying that this is a small Christmas, will my children notice we don't have much?  Should I have worked harder to find what they wanted used so they could have more?  will the shiny boxes and un-scratched toys make up for the lack of volume? Will they notice that we only give home made to each other and the rest of our family or will they be so caught up in the joy that the magic fills in the gaps?

The light in their eyes is what i live for.  Seeing them really GET Santa this year was so magical for me.  Seeing them dance with the angels at our church pageant brought me such joy.  Singing Christmas carols with them on a sleigh ride at my moms house almost made me weep.  I don't need things, I don't need new, I shop at rummage sales but I long to make their fleeting childhood everything it could be. I know our situation is only temporary, once I graduate I can get a decent job and we won't be so tight.  We have a house, we have 2 cars, we have heat, we have food, I have a gym membership so that I can get 2 solid hours of homework time a day.  I know we are blessed, I know many people have less. That doesn't make it any easier when my children ask for more and I have to say no.  I KNOW its good for them. However, when my son literally is dreaming something, but we've already purchased what he asked for last month it breaks my heart a little.  When he asks to go to walmart to visit the toys since I told him they were decorations it breaks my heart a little.  I hold the little pieces together because I know they don't know they miss out on anything, but I know.

Instead of a store bought advent calendar ours is homemade and has activities we can do for free (like make paper snowflakes, and a clearance gingerbread from last years post Christmas sale). They don't realize that not everyone does that, and hopefully it makes memories they'll cherish

Instead of new Christmas stories we re wrapped the ones they opened they same ones they read last year.  They don't remember, but I do.

They joy on their faces gives me such hope

We don't have much but we have love.  we have hope.  we have each other.